vivdunstan

I often deal with imposter syndrome in my academic work. Not least as my progressive neurological illness affects me more and more. But going into the weekend feeling confident about things I'm working on. And excited for the next stages. A very encouraging state of affairs considering everything!

Setting up a new Kindle Paperwhite to replace my rapidly dying old one. Main priority is change font and layout to be friendly for my progressive neuro illness challenged brain. I can read small print in eye tests, but for extended reading find large print vastly better. Big before/after difference!

Brain damage from my progressive neuro disease is why I struggle so much with normal print books now. When I did my PhD on historic Scottish reading habits I was phenomenally envious of many readers I studied and the books they read! Empathised with those who no longer could through age or disability.

Another 3-card past/present/future spread, using the Urban Crow oracle deck. And musings on how these might relate to my current circumstances.

Gifts / Commitment / Play. Generally the guidebook for the cards suggests viewing them non literally, more symbolic/metaphorically. But in this case I'm just going to go for the literal approach.

It's my birthday imminently, and I've already started getting some treats. Today I got an almost birthday present for self, that I would have asked for as a present, but it was selling out so quickly on a limited print run, so I ordered it anyway. It's a book about Commodore 64 SID music composer Rob Hubbard, famed for legendary 1980s British computer music such as "Monty on the Run". There are still some copies left to buy, but it is selling well, and won't be reprinted.

Looking simply at the Commitment card I'm reminded of our upcoming 30th wedding anniversary. I have been extremely lucky with my choice of husband, and despite my ill health it's been a happy 30 years together. It hardly seems any time, certainly not that long! To be fair I still feel 21! But we will be remembering the day 30 years ago in September when we eloped, aged 22 and 23.

And Play, well I need to still make an effort to have fun. I am severely disabled from my progressive neurological disease, and largely bedbound now. Happy working on academic research projects and journal papers. But I need to have fun too. That's important.

I'm trying to remember to make time for this each week. To randomly draw a simple past/present/future 3-card spread of the Urban Crow oracle cards which I got recently. And find very easy to work with/interpret.

As usual, I'm using them as a tool to reflect on my situation and circumstances. And think about where I am and what I want to do. I am not using them in a predictive kind of way.

Here is today's spread. With thoughts/comments after the picture.



The middle card, Freedom, was lovely to see. I am currently newly in a better patch in between my recurring rollercoaster of post Covid vaccine neurological autoimmune disease flares. I've had these flares 9 times now, after every Covid vaccine (I get, and need, a lot of Covid vaccines because I am severely immunosuppressed). Each time I am even more ill for up to 3 months, with phenomenally increased sedation, headaches, arm and leg loss of control, and increased bladder incontinence. Many people wouldn't put up with this. But I'm not willing to sacrifice my much needed Covid vaccine protection. And I know I am generating good antibodies from each one.

So I'm in a better patch, for the next couple of months. After that I will get my 10th Covid vaccine, and be iller again for another 3 months. I will just cope. Plus my neurological disease is still progressing, and leaves me severely disabled, even in the better patches. But that progression is slow. And that's partly why I'm still here 30 years into living with this illness!

So yes, this is a time of relative freedom for me, and I want to make the most of it. Maybe get more things done, including the academic journal papers and research projects I am working on sporadically. And maybe get out more with Martin, to have fun.

The left card, reflecting the past, is Anomaly, which can be a problem, or something out of the ordinary, or other interpretations. It's making me think of my latest Covid vaccine flare more than my long-term neurological disease. A devastating neurological flare which has run from early May to early August. And it does tie in with Freedom.

The rightmost card, reflecting looking ahead, is Caching. Which again fits nicely with where I am. I want, in this short better patch, to make new valuable memories, and get things done I can look back on in future. So I want to make the most of this time, in a way I can look back on happily when I'm much iller again.

An interesting draw anyway, and some nice things to think about.

Meanwhile re Freedom, today is the start of the Glasgow Worldcon, and I have digital streaming access thanks to my attending ticket. I won't be watching much live, but hope to see one talk later today. And catch up on even more in the coming weeks and months. I also have Oxonmoot to look forward to in a few weeks. Again with a digital ticket. And ditto for the Edinburgh Book Festival. Streaming has been transformational for me.

Compared to last year's 60 books finished reading this year has not got off to a good start. We're approaching the end of January, and I've just finished my second book of the year. However I anticipated problems, as my reading slumped dramatically in late 2023 after Covid vaccine number 8 and yet another long neurological illness flare. Plus there is ongoing disease progression. So I set my 2024 Goodreads reading goal as just 25 books. I wonder if I will make it!

So far I've finished illustrated poem Wenceslas by Carol Ann Duffy, which was nice, especially the illustrations, but unbalanced in retelling the traditional Christmas carol story. And today I finished The Children of Hurin by JRR Tolkien, collecting the various strands of their story in a single version. That was um something. I don't think I will reread it, but glad that I did read it if just once. Even if I skipped the Silmarillion-esque intro. Rating 3/5. Ditto for the poem.